Rebekah
[TW: violent homophobic language ]
“I should take you outside and shoot you like a dog.”
My mom's anger was palpable. I was 16 when she read my journal and her furious reaction, those words, cut me deeply.
She had always led me to God. She made sure that I attended church service several times a week. She made sure I was educated in private Christian schools for most of my life and took me to vacation bible school. My life was the Lord. She taught me that, and it so was hard to reconcile the message that was being stuffed down my throat. And that message from her was clear: Being gay is a sin and God hates it.
Pronouns: she/her
Photo of Rebekah
It was explained to me that I couldn't remain in the family home past the age of 18 due to my sexuality and I must find a place to go. So during my senior year in high school, I joined the US Army, and less than 10 days after my 18th birthday I left for basic training.
The Army's 'Don't ask. Don't tell.' policy further fostered feelings of shame and self-loathing, and in time I began reasoning that if God hated me then I would hate Him. For a while, I neglected the personal relationship with Jesus that had been so dear to me, solely because of what other people told me.
But that was short lived. My heart longed for the Lord. I tried to change myself, but I knew that I wasn't living authentically. For the first time in my life, I felt true despair and spiritual conviction -- I felt I was sinning because I was lying to myself and to another person by pursuing a heterosexual relationship just because it's what others think.
I prayed to God about this for a season in my life. I was raw with my emotions, and I said "God I'll do what YOU want me to do, even if it doesn't seem right to me because I know that Your ways are higher than my ways, and You want what's best for me." I cried out to the Lord and asked for an answer. I heard His still calm voice say to me…
"There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus."
Over the years the Lord spoke to me and led me to gay affirming theology books, documentary films, and churches. He brought me to a place of true understanding and perfect peace in Jesus. And after a season of fasting and prayer asking Him for a spouse, He led me to my wife. A strong Christian woman that I met in Bible study. We became fast friends, and when I was totally not expecting it, she became the light of my life. God has blessed my wife and me in all that we do. He's blessed us with a beautiful daughter as well.
I thank God for not turning His back on me when I turned my back on Him. For chasing after me and chasing me down with His love.
My advice to those who are struggling with your faith and sexuality is this: I challenge you to ask the Lord for yourself. Don't listen to the voices of others, but listen to the Lord, the Holy Spirit who guides you into all truth. Let Him guide you. If you earnestly seek His direction, He will guide you. Maybe He's answering your prayer even now by the fact that you are reading my story.
I'm happy to speak to, help and encourage anyone who needs it, feel free to reach out as we are called to encourage each other in the Lord and I'll always be here to do that. God bless you.
Photo of Rebekah & partner
