Rayyan
My name is Rayyan, and I am a Muslim, Pansexual Transwoman.
It took me over 14 years to be able to accept that truth. The heaviest I have ever been was 55kgs as I was raised in a family where everyone was a lot healthier than I've ever been able to keep myself. I have low-key closeted X in-denial body image issues and an eating disorder, all tied up in there with the denial of the gender dysphoria I was experiencing for many years.
Pronouns: she/her/they
Photo of Rayyan
Growing up, I have frequently thrown up naturally, simply from having eaten too much food. I never once thought: "Hey Rayyan, do we have a body image or eating thing going on?" Nopes never. Instead, I've full-on tried to put on weight and failed miserably. In addition, is the fact that since I was fourteen years old, I have been using substances. At the time when it started, I thought it was casual, teenage binge drinking. But by the time I was 18 years old, I identified as an Alcoholic. I had to because the perceived difference in my drinking behavior as compared to my closest friends made it obvious.
The thing is that when I was between the age of nine to ten, like so many others, I too decided to bottle up, push away, and forget my genderqueer inclinations. At the time, I had read an article about Iranian transwomen, and it caused me a whirlwind of emotions. Growing up in Dubai displayed an inherently homophobic and transphobic society and culture. While also growing up as a conservative Muslim, I witnessed how every Muslim around me perceived LGBTQIA+ identifying folks! Like monsters, abominations, as a ‘Fitnah’.
This level of rejection of my inherent self from the Muslim community drove my depression. In order to cope, I turned to substances. Only at the age of 30 did I finally have a relationship with Allah, and I no longer believed that Allah despised me or hated me.
This acceptance began my long road to recovery and managing my addiction and depression.
Photo of Rayyan
