Naiomi
During my teenage years I believed I needed to make a choice: embrace my sexuality or hold onto my faith.
The Christianity of my childhood was very clear that members of the LGBTQ+ community were destined to spend an eternity in hell if they didn’t repent and commit to living the life God wanted: the life of a cisgender, straight man or woman. Being both an out and proud bisexual/pansexual was unthinkable. I had to make a choice: Follow God or express my sexuality.
Pronouns: she/her
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I chose God. At first, I felt relieved. I believed the devil had tried to tempt me into rejecting God and embracing a “sinful” lifestyle, but I refused to give in. I felt as if I were on the right path and that God would bless me for choosing “him” (because of course God was a man) over my own desires. Unfortunately, that feeling did not last long. The battle to repress my sexuality was a daily one. I was doing everything I thought I should: praying, going to church multiple times a week, reading the Bible and yet I still struggled with “sinful” desires. Would this be a lifelong struggle? Would I need to spend the rest of my life pretending to be straight? Would that even be enough for God?
In my late teens I decided that the struggle was too hard. If I had to make a choice between God and my sexuality, then I would choose my sexuality. It was too difficult to please God. Once again, I felt an initial sense of relief. Finally, I could be myself. But then grief set in. Did I really need to give up God? What about the moments where I felt God’s love and presence envelope me. Did I have to give that up?
It took years of research and academic study for me to finally realize-that no, I did not have to choose between my queerness and my faith. I could hold onto both. Through my studies I learned that the image of God that my childhood church endorsed was not the only way to view God. God’s love was so much bigger and all encompassing than I had been taught. God did not want nor need me to repress who I am. Instead God embraced and loved me-all of me. My sexuality was not an abomination to God but an expression of God’s love.
I want queer youth to understand that they are loved beyond measure. That they do not need to choose between their faith and their identity. God embraces them just as they are. Our queerness is not a curse. Instead, it is a gift from God.
Photo of Naiomi
