Tom
My name is Tom. Repression is a common experience for many kids struggling with their sexuality in a conservative Christian environment.
For me though it wasn’t really a conscious effort of trying to subdue and hide something I knew was bubbling under the surface. To be sure, I was in denial and ignoring clear signs, but it wasn’t a conscious denial or some painful repressing of known feelings. Honestly, for a long time it wasn't even on the radar.
Pronouns: he/him
Photo of Tom
But looking back, trying to pursue girls always gave me anxiety and didn’t feel natural. I remember coming home late one night and telling my mom that I just didn’t feel like one of the guys. I didn’t feel normal and wasn’t into girls like all the other guys would talk about. As much as I tried to act like everything was ok, that night I told her, “if anything I feel like I’m looking at cute guys.” But I framed this feeling as more of an insecurity thing – a jealousy towards guys I wish I was more like – not a romantic or sexual attraction. Mom may have known deep down what even I didn’t realize I was saying but she reminded me as she so often did of how much God loved me.
After a lot of pretending over the years, it just didn’t feel right anymore. I needed to let go of this idea that I was going to have a wife and live the picture perfect hetero-normative life that I’d always thought I’d have. It became increasingly clear to me that God was calling me to let that go. This was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to do. And if you knew me, and knew how important having that “perfect” “normal” life was to me, you’d understand the weight it was for me to close that chapter.
But the reconciliation of my faith and sexuality didn’t happen overnight. God put certain people and conversations in my path that gave me a surreal peace all of the sudden that I was no longer writing this story. He gave me a freedom I hadn’t experienced before and led me to pray, read, and study with fresh eyes how to best respond to the reality that I am both a Christian and gay. I immersed myself into this subject including study of the Bible and theology and learned from others where God brought them and how they got there. Books such as Bible Gender Sexuality by James Brownson and Matthew Vines book God and the Gay Christian were influential during this time.
It has been through this season of life where God has shown Himself to me in a more real and authentic way. No longer was I performing and striving to be this perfect son, but rather just allowed myself to be seen and loved by a Father who said I was perfect just as He made me.
My faith and understanding of God has grown deeper because I have finally been able to reconcile what I know of God with His world that I live in. I embrace this theology not because it fits my “lifestyle” but because I believe it is the most coherent position that actually addresses and embraces all that I see in front of me including layers of biblical, historical, scientific and experiential realities. It is an authentic pursuit of God’s truth in the face of uncertainty. It is about embracing faith alongside intellectual honesty.
I fully acknowledge that I am still learning. But one thing I know is that my excitement for Christ has grown during this journey because I continue see the restorative work that He is doing to reconcile a marginalized community into His kingdom.
If there’s one thing that I’d say to those who are LGBTQ+ and Christian, it’s that God is not stressed out over this. He formed you and knit you together before the dawn of time and he has a greater story for you than you could ever imagine. He is making beauty from ashes and wants us to be part of it. Embrace this time in your life and go and love like He did.
Photo of Tom
